A few life updates

So, let's just get this out of the way first: I'm still sad. This is still awful. I still cry occasionally, like when I stumble across Christmas ornaments designed for people who've miscarried.

But I'm determined not to continue to wallow. I don't know that I'll ever be "over it," per se, but I don't have to stay in the trauma state forever. That's what I'm working on with my therapist, and what I'm trying to apply to my regular life.

Make no mistake, even with the can-do attitude I'm espousing right now, this shit is still hard. At R's family gathering on Christmas Eve, I held my breath and couldn't relax until his sister filled up a glass of wine, confirming for me she wasn't pregnant. I honestly don't know what I would have done had she made some big announcement over the holidays; I probably would have had to have R drive me home, if I'm being honest.

But the point is, I'm trying, and as my therapist likes to remind me when I express guilt for the ways in which my grief is manifesting itself, this just happened. It's still a fresh wound. So I can practice some compassion for myself on the timeline.

Anyway, I've started a new job and have thrown myself into studying the terminology and figuring out the pace and responsibilities, which is good for me — I like to have a project. It keeps me busy/focused on something other than my feelings.

Also, I got some interesting news from the doctor the other day: A blood test came back abnormal. I apparently have an anticoagulant deficiency, which could be why I miscarried even with a tested embryo. I was actually really relieved to have an abnormal test result because it's putting my mind at ease. We can NAME it. We can TREAT it. And while it won't bring my daughter back, maybe this means I won't lose my son(s). I'm working on making an appointment with a hematologist to get more information and come up with a plan.

I'm also just determined not to lose myself to all of this. I feel like I can be kind of a negative person in general, focusing on the doom and gloom of life instead of being grateful for the many privileges I have. So, I'm going to try to set aside time for gratitude/positivity. Just this morning I made a 2020 Vision Board (don't judge me!), and I'm going to journal a little bit on the things I have that I'm grateful for.

So, we'll get there. And until then, I'm going to get back to work.