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  • Writer's pictureKatie

I'm totally freaking out

I am a complete basket case today. Just totally unable to concentrate or be productive. The doctor confirmed my pregnancy on Saturday and again on Monday. I have a sonogram scheduled for tomorrow. Good news, right? This is what we wanted. Everything's working out!

Not so fast.

I am absolutely paralyzed with fear that I'm going to miscarry again. My back started aching earlier this week, and I emailed my IVF coordinator about it, convinced that something was wrong. She assured me that back pain and abdominal pressure was a normal symptom of pregnancy, and my fears were momentarily assuaged... until the back pain subsided, and I started freaking out that that meant that I had lost the baby.

I can't stand this. I feel like I'm just going to go in there and see an empty sack where a baby should be again.

An ultrasound photo with a small dark spot in the middle of it.
This is my last ultrasound photo. This shows the gestational sac. My baby never developed any further than this.

I hate this. I hate this so much. I accidentally missed a dose of progesterone last night -- I was off my routine and had gotten home later than usual, then sat down to dinner and fell asleep soon after, and it just slipped my mind. I took it as soon as I woke up this morning and frantically emailed my coordinator again to ask what to do. Again, she was unconcerned and said to just resume taking it as normal. But I'm still freaking out! What if that missed dose of progesterone was the thing that causes my daughter to die?

I can't do this again. The grief is too much. It's too heavy. I can't go through this again, not another D&C.

Keep your fingers crossed that I hear a heartbeat tomorrow. In my head, I know it is likely too early for it to have developed. But I just can't bear the thought of yet another time I don't get to hear it.

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