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It's Wednesday and I'm in control

First off, I'm in a better place than I was when I wrote that last post. I was having a rough weekend. In the midst of everything with IVF, one of my biggest "triggers" is the fear of being left out, and right around the time I wrote that last post I'd watched a conversation happen between two of my co-workers. They were discussing their new romances, and one said to the other, "We'd love to double date with you guys!" while Ryan and I were sitting right there. It felt so exclusionary to me. And on the one hand, I can rationalize it -- both of the co-workers in question have gone through divorces, they both have children and they're both in the infatuation phase, and that's just not where Ryan and I are right now, on any level. But I can't help that feel like it's personal and view it as a critique of my social skills, Ryan's social skills, and our combined entertainment value as a couple.


Anyway, I'm over that. I'm also over the fact that my doctor has now ordered that I inject estrogen because my body isn't properly absorbing the estrogen pill, which, if you want to treat yourself to a view of what I'm about to deal with, check out this video right here. And I'm over that my embryo transfer is delayed even further than I thought it would be (I have to let my body go through a full two periods and take a birth control pill before we can gear up for transferring again).


I'm over it because I've decided to refocus my brain. So much of this process is entirely out of my control, but I'm taking the reins on the variables I CAN control. Right now, that's:

  1. Losing a little weight. No one at the IVF clinic has specifically told me to, but I can't help but think that getting a few pounds off would help this process immensely. One of my original goals for the year was to cultivate a weight-lifting routine; I thus far have not done that (and to be gentle to myself, I was faced with an immense number of physical challenges that prevented it from taking shape... no pun intended). But I'm tracking my foods on my Fitbit, and I've taken a Crossfit class and a yoga class in the last week. Baby steps (another pun that I did not intend).

  2. Straightening my teeth. I'm tired of being bothered by them constantly and always making things awkward when it comes time to take a photo. I make everyone move around because I hate seeing my smile from the right side. I was stressed the fuck out all day on my wedding day because they kept situating me on the right side of Ryan, and I didn't want to be "that bride" so I didn't say anything, and now I hate 75 percent of our formal photos. So, I made an appointment for clear aligners as well as a teeth-whitening kit. The aligners will be shipped to me in about a month, and I've already done the whitening kit -- I notice a big difference!

So that's where I am. I'm getting through it. I wish life didn't have to be so FREAKING HARD all the time, but I guess that's just par for the course. It honestly would be so super helpful if we had Medicare for all or some equivalent socialized health care plan because then I wouldn't have to constantly do the "well my doctor recommended this, but I can only afford that" calculus, but 'MURICA, amirite?


Ugh. I hope the 2020 election goes the way I want it to.


And can I just say one more thing that's legitimately, honestly, strangely helping me?


Fantasy Football.


I know, I know, I'm just as surprised as you. Up until about two weeks ago I didn't give a flying fig about the NFL. If you asked me to name a football player, I probably would have said RGIII and petered out. But my husband's nephews have a family league, and they've invited me to join the past two years running. I've always declined due to not knowing shit about football, but this year I said "what the hell" and ponied up. Now, I'm spending more time than I'd care to admit researching football players and teams, making adjustments to my lineup and desperately trying to trash talk (I'm keeping it good-natured and light; just no one else in the league seems to have found that button on their app yet). I've also, for the first time in my life, actually learned how football is played. I still don't always know what is going on when I see the screen, but I'm figuring it out. It's been a really nice distraction for me.


And with all that out of my system, back to work I go. Happy hump day, y'all.

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