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The two ends of the spectrum

I had another embryo transfer just over a week ago, on Oct. 29. We had had three embryos frozen in storage -- two boys and a girl. They unfroze and transferred the girl.

I knew I shouldn't start testing immediately. It can take a few days for the embryo to settle in, and then after that it can take a while for the pregnancy hormone to show up in your urine. But I've been on IVF support groups on Facebook long enough to know that some women start getting positive results as early as four days post transfer, so... that's what I did. I bought a 25-pack of cheap pregnancy tests and pulled one out on Day 4.


It was negative. And so was the one on Day 5.


But Day 6 showed the faintest of faint lines, to the point where I wasn't sure if I was seeing something real or my eyes were so strained from staring that they were misfiring. Only one way to be sure: test again on Day 7.


Day 7 was positive in earnest. And so was today, Day 8.


Obviously, all of this is good news. It's -- no pun intended -- positive reinforcement. I do know that I have to wait until Day 14 to go into the doctor and get the official word from a blood test, but seeing that little extra line on the tests is keeping my spirits high for now.


Well, for the most part. After what happened to me before, every time I feel a little bit excited, I freeze. One minute, my mind will go, "I got a positive result so early after transfer -- what if the embryo split and I get IDENTICAL TWINS!?" And then I slap that thought down with another thought: "You're not having any pregnancy symptoms again -- what if this is just a chemical pregnancy? What if it means you've already miscarried for the second time!?"


And so it goes. I've been seamlessly transitioning between Pinteresting a cool wall decal for a baby's room and tuning in to every little creak and cramp in my body, looking for the sign that it's all going wrong. One end to the other, like a pendulum in an old clock.


It is very scary to be this early in a pregnancy. I don't feel like I'll be able to relax until I have a sonogram that shows me the heartbeat. And even then I don't think I'll be able to relax until I hit that 12-week mark, where the chances of miscarriage go way down. And even then I don't think I'll be able to relax until I have a real live baby in my arms.


I will have a definitive answer on whether or not I am pregnant on Nov. 12, which marks the end of the dreaded IVF Two Week Wait. Then, a few days later, I'll have a sonogram... but until then, do you like this decal?



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